I feel I am in limbo, wounded, and rejected. Yet I have been blessed. I have felt a love so sweet, precious and pure it filled me up, poured out and swelled so big it filled the entire room and was so thick it was tangible...kinda. I have also felt such a horrific pain from a place I call the Abyss.
At 4 or 5 years old I woke up in a different dark place than the Abyss. I knew if I called out to my parents they would not be able to hear me nor find me. I was not at all afraid...but was curious. I thought someone may have put me in a box. I decided to close my eyes, go to sleep and hope I'd wake up back in my bed. I did. After that happened I was standing in the yard. Sunny day, blue sky, white plumpy clouds. Flowers taller than me lined the fence. I spread my arms for I KNEW the TRUTH. "I" had always been and "I" always would be and I KNEW that God had created the world JUST FOR ME! Then I slowly turned round in a circle relishing in the joy and so happy about this TRUTH. It went downhill from there, save a few experiences, that makes me the odd person in my family. Expect for the Abyss and that was soooo painful yet ended up being blessed by being taken out of there by Jesus. I didn't see Him. I cried out to Him and in the instant I did He put me back in my body. Thank God! I do NOT understand why that happened. I knew God had forgiven me but could NOT forgive myself for many years and when I think about it or the very rare times I've shared it I cry, feel soooooo unworthy of God's love yet blessed knowing He must or He would have left me there. Meanwhile I was being harrased by monks wearing black hooded garments that purposely scared me witless. After the Abyss experience it came again. BUT, this time it didn't try to scare me or do anything to me. Long story short: I told him I had no control over him popping in my life, but there was someone greater, more powerful than him who loved me and that is God and I was NOT going to be afraid of him anymore. Thank God and knock on wood, he hasn't. But...
Years later I was shown that my father would die and how he would die and it would be fairly soon. I was begging and pleading for this not to be and bawling my heart out. I was so overwhelmed with the pain and the begging as I was being comforted by...monks I didn't fully take that part in till later. But they looked like St. Francis of Assisi like monks. To beat all, I was dressed like them. I was clothed in the same exact garments as they and I'm not Catholic. ????
Less than 3 months my father passed exactly how I was shown.
I'm rambling. But this is just the tip of the ice-burg of many experiences.
50 years have passed since that day in the yard when I knew TRUTHS. A few years ago I started pulling away from everyone. I've become a recluse. I can't bear the pain. People's energy affect me. I'm toooo sensative. And I got tired of being shown things. But it didn't stop.
During that time I wanted to die. A few months ago I started thanking God for each day. In spite of everything I decided I needed to thank Him. A few weeks ago I woke up feeling shocked I was alive. Literally, absolutely shocked. Then I was shocked at my shock! I don't know what happened while I was asleep, but I feel something.
I have trouble with sleep. I fight sleep and have done so since I was an infant according to my mother. I don't want to see the future and the pain anymore. I don't want to eat. I have no appetite. The only reason I am alive is due to God. I decided I needed to stay alive for my husband. He needs me.
I read a book about NDE's and NDL-E's. I finally knew what questions to ask my mother. And learned while a wee baby I had 2 bouts with measles before, I think before I could walk based on what she told me. (I'll ask. I started walking at 8 months old.) I ran a fever of 104. So now I wonder if I had a NDE.
I envy people who lead ordinary lives, living soley on faith and not having supra-natural, spiritual, weird, alien etc, experiences. Whose never had departed people appear, see lights, have things materalize, go out of body, and this lists goes on! I can NOT escape it. And I do NOT ever know what will happen next. Everytime something happened I thought it would be the last. Later I started hoping it would be the last. But noooooo.
After the Stock Market crashed I was shown something else. And boy, this is awful. Yet I don't understand WHAT will happen or when. Only know it is destructive and it occurs during a sunny day-like summer. I have dreaded this summer. Each day I pray. I pray for this country. I'm so afraid. So concerned. I pray and pray. That is all I can do. And know that it is in God's hands. It may not be this summer. It may not occur for a few or several summers. But every single vision I have been given have come to pass. And as hard as I have fought for a couple of them NOT to...they always have.
What good does this do for me to be shown things sooooo painful??? Things I can't control?!?
A woman told me between the 2 monk era experiences I would have a NDE and that I would channel St. Francis of Assisi. My feeling was not only NO but hell no. Don't want it. NO thank you. Don't want a NDE let alone channel a dead monk and got up and left. Egads! So far that hasn't happened and I pray it doesn't ever happen. Channel a dead monk? I run from that and my family would have a fit and think me posessed!!!
I'm bewildered. I ask WHY over and over. I feel so wounded and am not fit to be taken out into the civilized world. I can't look in the mirror. I've let myself go. On one hand I'm a bit angry and on the other feel blessed. I do NOT feel special. I feel used. At one time I put myself out there for others and used my abilites to help them. My mother felt it was wrong. My whole family feels it was wrong. It was the "devils work" and I was shunned. I pulled away from them, life, people and have hunkered down in my bedroom due to the pain. I literally wear my heart on the sleeve of my skin for my vaccination shot is shaped like a heart.
This is too much. Yet I remember how God does not give us more than we can bear. Well, He has more faith in me than I do myself. I talk the good talk and mean all I say, but I have trouble walking it. I'm tense. Braced. Wondering what will hit me next. On anxiety meds and praying for help. I tried meditation only to waken my kundalini, which I didn't KNOW I had. Freaked me out and have not been able to meditate since. It was a great experience at first because I heard 2 angels talking to an archangel about me then I got freaked because I didn't know what was happening so I sat up. A friend told me and said it was dangerous. Well, like I knew and I didn't ask for it to be awakened!!! It just happened!! I've gone to many people for help. Everyone told me "I" had the answers. Duh. What did I pay them for???? That was in the 80's. I finally quit putting out the money. The older I get the stronger it gets.
Please, I really need help. Why am I able to help others but cannot help myself???
Love and God Bless,